Vitamin C for the Soul

In the past couple of years, I haven't made official "New Years resolutions" but rather spent spare moments here and there reflecting on what I need to work on.  Ambitious and sometimes unrealistic resolutions can be exciting and inspiring at first but can quickly lead to beating ourselves up when we quickly fail to even begin to accomplish that goal. So I look at New Years resolutions the same way I look at diets...I don't do them.  Rather than going on a "diet" I think it's better to just make simple changes that can lead to an overall healthier lifestyle.  Likewise, it is important to be self aware, take time to refocus on what's most important to us, check ourselves and give ourselves some positive things to focus on. Rather than specific resolutions, Just spend some time to make sure our lives, schedules and energy is in line with what we value. Coincidently after I started writing this post, our pastor Andy Stanley did a great series you should watch at reallywantseries.org, it's taken me a while to hit the publish button on this :/ but is all about figuring out what we really value, what we really want.

I will admit, 2016 kicked my a$$.  By spring I was hitting mom/homeschool/wife everything burnout and then just struggling to recover and as anyone who's been there knows, it is hard to draw from an empty well.  Unfortunately rather than refilling my cup, which I was trying to figure how to do but when your driving down the highway and your car runs out of gas and there's not much around...it isn't all that easy to do.  And using the broke down car metaphor, a woman with a broke down car is in a vulnerable position, I became vulnerable to the triad of anxiety, fear and doubt.  I actually had a dream one night where there was a dark figure lurking in my peripheral vision, almost like a stage hand orchestrating from the wings and just as I was waking from the dream, the hood on the cloak fell back and I saw a three-headed wolf and I immediately identified them and knew their names, Fear, Worry and Doubt.  It was a moment of like...oh now I see you and I know who/what you are!  It was empowering because it helped me identify what I was struggling with and then I could figure out how to deal with it.  It is funny how this past year I hit burnout, when if you look at the past 11 years of my life starting with our best friend and roommate committing suicide senior year in college, graduating and moving, getting engaged, surprise pregnancy while wedding planning with HG (extremely sick all pregnancy) while dealing with PTSD from the suicide, then adding undiagnosed postpartum thyroiditis turned Hashimoto's followed by 3 cross country moves and 2 more sweet babies in less than 5 years while my husband traveled for his job at least 50% of the time just to rattle off the big things. God was so good through it all and used everything for our good (except the suicide...that will always be heartbreaking, I remember when my daughter was a baby, I'd be driving and pull up to a stop sign and suddenly go blank and flash back to that time and feel overcome by the darkness of it and for years felt like an accomplice to murder.  Hindsight is 20/20, at the time I was just immature and ignorant of mental health issues and after it happened, and we were being questioned by police they pointed out that all the signs were there and that is where the guilt would come from).  Having our daughter when we did really was a blessing because she moved us forward and helped us grow up faster and really was a dream come true because I was always the motherly type and wanted to be a mom my whole life more than anything else.  A funny side note was after Tyler proposed (5.5 years from our first date in high school) we were sitting, admiring the ring on my finger and I was all gushy and "oh my gosh we're gonna have babies!!!" Lol I don't know who says that 15 minutes after getting engaged when they are 22 but we had talked about the future plenty and both knew what we wanted.  I just didn't realize that process was gonna start like 3 weeks later! So while she was a surprise, she was more than wanted and we would never have it any other way!

When I started this post I had no intention of sharing such personal parts of my life story but it helps explain where I'm coming from when I say this year was the least busy, least eventful, least stressful year in the books, so it would appear based on history.  we didn't move or have a baby, my husband worked less than he has in the past (although his version of less is still like a mad man-he has more drive and discipline than anyone I know!), I don't feel like I have PTSD anymore and can talk about what happened without feeling traumatized all over again, my thyroid seems to be healed as I haven't been on thyroid medicine for 4 years now and tests are all normal as a result of going gluten and dairy free, we are settled in with a home I never ever imagined I would have in a beautiful part of the country we have a great homeschool community and lots of cool homeschooling choices and opportunities,  the blue ridge mountains are not far from our back door and we get to explore and be in beautiful nature often so I should feel better than ever! But I think that is just it, I think everything cumulatively caught up to me and I found myself a bit wrecked. Maybe it was just adrenal fatigue I don't know.

The progression of my dad's ALS pinpointed it all along with a fall out with a friend who I had to distance myself from who although I truly cared for deeply, no longer felt like a healthy or safe relationship.  It was painful because I cared about her very much.  I hadn't had any friendship "breakups" since I was in high school and with families involved I was very torn up, especially because my own family was far away, with a baby and in a different place trying to process my dads ALS and process the guilt I felt for not being closer to help my parents more, it was all just too much to deal with emotionally.  For so long I was always strong through all these major life events, trusted the Lord and he always took care of us and things always turned out for the good and I was able to be very Pollyannaish and content with ease.  With my dads diagnosis with ALS, that brought on a new level of hope and prayer and faith, desperately begging that My dad's ALS progression would halt at some point before it got too bad as it has for some others or even that there would be a healing miracle and it would reverse.  There are people out there who have had their ALS  stop progressing and continue to live a mostly normal life still able to function a lot on their own, and there are yet others who's ALS even reversed.  With my mom by his side, diligently taking care of him and all the protocols to try and implement, I had hope, lots of faith and hope.  I would have visions flash of my dad running up and down the stairs again with a delighted grandchild in his arms enjoying the ride.  And while I believe our prayers have been answered in the regard that my dad is at almost 4 years post diagnosis and still here, as its given us more time with him than others have, it's still progressed along the course and it is such a very cruel disease and awful to watch someone you love go through.  It doesn't seem fair for anyone, but especially to a healthy young 57 doctor who rode his bike everyday, who never needed to use a sick day in 10 years and took seriously his calling to serve his fellow man by being an amazing doctor who truly listens and cares. When not doing that he was serving in scouts taking the boys on awesome high adventure trips down the Pacific Coast, climbing Mt. Adams, cycling in an annual triathlon, planning a fun family activity to take us all snowshoeing, sledding, snowmobiling, camping on the Oregon coast or jet skiing on the Columbia River. When he wasn't doing that he was helping someone move or whatever need there was he was happy to help. 

I think this year, the anger, acceptance and grief of the situation started to settle in more and with it came the burnout of everything else over the years and I just felt fatigued in every way, including spiritually fatigued.  I ran out of energy to pray anymore at the same time having bad anxiety about running into that friend and I think that is where the door creaked open for that three-headed wolf to get a grip on me, take over the stage and undermine me in every way.  Rather than being filled and sustained with the trinity of God, Savior and Holy Spirit, I was drained by that three headed wolf, opposite of the trinity but also 3 in 1, 3 different names but one in purpose, which is to rob us of everything that God so freely gives us, which is Love, self worth, confidence, joy and peace...all the opposite of the fruits of Fear, Worry and Doubt.  With that, rather than just dealing with the anger and grief of the situation with my dad, I was now under attack in every way, into my very being because fear, anxiety and doubt can quickly spread and run deep like a malignant cancer, affecting other areas of our lives and destroy confidence, steal joy, rob us of self worth and make us second guess ourselves constantly.  Once anxiety creeps in and puts us in that state of fight or flight mode, it's hard not to let that state of being affect us in other ways unrelated to the original cause of anxiety.  Suddenly my grief over my dad's situation, and anxiety over running into that person transformed into self-loathing now that an inner voice that is excellent at tearing you down is given the stage in a moment of vulnerability and being stuck in flight mode. I can look at the whole situation now and see how important our spiritual health is like our physical health and how it is so intertwined.  If we get spiritually and emotionally run down, our spiritual and emotional "immune system" becomes weak and we are more vulnerable to "pathogens", and if we catch a "cold" or other ailment, our immune system is further impaired and it's then easier to catch and get run down with other illnesses going around.  Without getting the immune system strong again, you get caught in a vicious cycle of always being sick with something or other.  Just as there are always bacteria and viruses lurking around everywhere, some more contagious than others, how strong our immune system is determines how well we are able to carry on with our normal life unaffected by them because a strong immune system can quickly deflect and deal with the exposures without taking you out.  So can keeping our spiritual and emotional/mental immune system strong, we can walk boldly without fear of being taken by the "viruses" and "bacteria" lurking around looking for a host, we can quickly deflect and deal with them without hardly skipping a beat.  We can be friendly, open and loving without being anxious.  Maybe you could say anxiety is like getting mono. You feel like crap and exhausted for a long time but everyone thinks your fine, until you get even more sick and finally go to the doctor only to find out you have been sick all along without realizing what the problem was and now have a secondary infection since your immune system was so taxed dealing with that original ongoing illness and now you have to figure out how to heal from a host of issues.  Maybe it starts out with some minor anxiety over an issue with someone or a underhanded compliment or some random remark that incites a twinge of insecurity...if you don't quickly combat those Germy moments with hand sanitizer and an extra dose of vitamin C, it can begin the process of hampering the immune system and before you know it you're body is so burdened it developes an auto immune response, which is when your body starts attacking itself...well...when we get run down and lose our confidence and joy I would say that our soul develops an autoimmune disease if we find ourselves internally beating ourselves up. So I guess as I'm writing this, these C words that came to mind as my intention and focus this year I've decided to call Vitamin C for my soul.  Along with spending more time filling myself with God's word, these words I think are great focuses to deflect the attacks of that three headed wolf.  I can't live out my purpose or enjoy the many blessings The Lord has graciously given me if I'm a paralyzed slave to fear, anxiety/worry and doubt.  

I'm NOT an open book type of person, even within myself I internalize things so much so it's outside my comfort zone to share all this but maybe someone will be able to relate in their own way and know it's ok and it's going to BE ok if we hit times in life when the wind is taken out of our sails and we find ourselves doggy paddling and struggling. If not, at least helps me crack my shell to share personal struggles without worrying about feeling judged or guilty.  (Although I still have work to do so I'm sure I'll be worried and self critical over how this post came together and tempted to delete it.😭). 

Anyways, here are my C words that I have for my renewed focus of things to be intentional about and work on this year.  I kept wondering why the words I was coming up with were all C words, but now that I see it as my Vitamin C, it all makes sense lol!

These words may mean different things to different people but for me personally, here are some notes on each, Without going into too much detail, but in small points.  Hopefully these Vitamin C's will keep us more immune from negativity, anxiety, fear, doubt and a host of other negative personal issues that can hamper our mental/emotional/spiritual health, which ultimately affects our physical health as well.

Confidence

Reject self-doubt and be positive. 

Here is a list I made while doing some reading in Joyce Meyer's The Confident Woman and will continue to add to but it's a good start. (Reading her book is also my way of starting the year with the intention and focus on confidence.

Affirmations from Heavenly Father

*God's wisdom is in me and I make good decisions.

*No matter how I feel, I can go forward in faith and make the right choice.

*I am greater than my feelings.

*I have favor with God and expect good things

*I am strong (confident) and of good courage. -Joshua 1:6

*He makes my feet like the hinds (strong and able) He sets me secure and confident upon the heights...- 2 Samuel 22:34

*In peace, I will lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust - psalm 4:8

*By the help of God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. what can man, who is flesh, do to me? - Psalm 56:4

*I am valuable, I have worth, I am gifted, I am talented and I have a purpose on this earth.

*God has called me by my name and I am His - Isaiah 43:1

*I am precious in his sight and honored.  Fear not, He is with me. - Isaiah 43:4-5

*I will ask and receive that my joy may be full. - John 16:24

*I have a great future.

Connection

*Be intentional about connecting with those I love most.  Being present and undestracted in the moment.

I'm with my kids all the time, but I want to be sure that I am really WITH them and make the moments count.  Anxiety is what gets in the way of this mostly, when you're distracted by worrisome or anxious thoughts, you aren't fully present and robbing yourself of the joy of each moment that you miss.

I came across a great anxiety grounding tool on the blog By Candace Playforth http://candaceplayforth.com/healing-anxiety-nature/

With the 5-4-3-2-1 approach to connect with the present moment and an easy way to do that is looking a kiddo in the eye and coming into their little world, looking at their big round eyes, seeing the rosy health in their cheeks, listening to their sweet little voice and listening what they are playing or thinking about. Whether it's playing Pat A Cake with a baby, engaging with a son and his Lego setup, helping a tween organize her room, doll stuff or pick out clothes...whatever it may be, be intentional to engage with them and their world...even if it's sitting there being shown a bunch of different dragons on Dragon City that are their favorites lol!

Another tip I came across by The Day Designer was to "touch your planner before you touch your phone", a great way to stay grounded and connected with your day, your intentions and your people.

https://www.facebook.com/theDayDesigner

Communication

This is something I have really been learning this year with help of my ladies small group while we read Jen Hatmaker's "For The Love" and Lysa Terkyrst's "Unglued".  I learned I'm a stuffer, internalizer and obliger and struggle with setting boundaries with tendencies of an approval addict, which helped me also realize my love language is words of affirmation.  Although verbal expression is NOT my strong suit and I know this is an area I can really improve.  My husband is the complete opposite, he has amazing communication skills and public speaking skills and has no fear of speaking his mind, isn't held back by social hang ups of worrying what other people might think, can stand up and speak in front of 100 people with ease, whereas I am so opposite in those ways.  I can be more of a slave to those things and it's almost like I put a gag on myself and his being so opposite of me in that regard is something I have always loved about him and been a tad jealous of!  

Within my family, We all get busy and miss and feel disconnected to the family members I love so much that live cross-country and I want to be more intentional about staying in communication with them outside of social media and even texting. I always thought social media and texting were the best thing ever because I've moved so much and it's how I stay in touch with everyone and I've always had a phone calling aversion so they make a great crutch for someone like me who really cares and thinks about you but picking up the phone incites slight feelings of panic.  I was this way before social media and Facebook and I would either write snail mail letters or end up losing touch with people. But, despite how great social media and texting can be for introverts to stay engaged with people they care about, Instagram is no replacement for hearing my sister's or brother's voices and my nieces or nephews in the background or an old friend on her lunch break as she orders her Starbucks in the drive thru!  It's true we are all busy and social media makes it easy, but I definitely feel more connected talking to my friend and hearing her actual voice for 5-10 minutes while she has a break than just double tapping her pictures.

The kids...I think I do pretty good here since we are together so much and very connected but I can still have better communication, stealing away moments for intentional connection and conversation with each person, communicating to them positive messages so the day doesn't slip by with me just directing the next thing they need to do and the occasional scolding.  Being intentional to communicate positive thinking and joy through playing with them.

Communication with God, praying even when I don't feel like it.  Honestly, even when I don't feel in the mood or too tired, once I start, there's so much to be thankful for and so much to say and even a short and sweet prayer is better than none.  The more we spend communing with the face of God, the more we are filled with His love for us and that is what flows through us, filling in the nooks and crannies with His goodness and driving out any negative emotions or false thought we may have about ourselves.

Along with communication is your community! Staying in communication "community" with others helps us not feel isolated and not be just focused on ourselves.

Contentment

This one surprised me when it came to mind because I've generally always been a pretty low-maintenance, content person.  It's a quality my mom often praised me for was that I was always so content and easy and in the earlier years of our marriage when the budget was super tight and my husband traveled a lot, I was perfectly content, I knew I had everything I needed and in a precious phase of new motherhood that I cherished and was just thankful I could be home with her, even if that meant we were living very tight.  But since I somewhat lost myself this past year, it's a reminder to get back to who I am and always was in the past.  To remember who I am and stay content and teach the kids contentment as well.  Being patient and content in the moment.

Cheerfulness

A merry heart doeth good like medicine. - Proverbs 17:22 

'Nough said!

As he thinketh in his heart, so is he. - Proverbs 23:7

A cheerful happy disposition impacts health and life.

One thing that helps me hone in on this trait is my Happiness Project One Sentence 5 Year Journal.  I can quickly jot something down and just by 1-2 sentences being put to paper, it quickly changes my mindset and my mood.  There is so much research about the benefits of practicing gratitude and having a more positive outlook...it all just backs up what proverbs 17:22 above says.  So make sure to use those smiling muscles!  These C's are intertwined. I think when we are cheerful and smile, we feel better about ourselves and that brings us full circle back to our confidence level and ability to feel connected with others.  

Remember to smile.

One more bonus Vit C is....

Cardio

Anxiety and worry is also a form of intense internal energy, excess adrenalin bouncing around all over the place.  Some good old fashioned cardio that gets you sweating can burn up all that excess internal energy that saps you of any real, useful energy (I know that sounds weird right? Too much internal energy gives you less energy...but yes, all that excess internal energy is exhausting).  You can feel like a different person coming out of that workout covered with sweat than when you started that workout. You'll feel proud of yourself, more confident, content and cheerful I guarantee!  Because I'm experiencing that right now!  I always have stuck with yoga and still think it's great but I started taking spin classes recently and I have never worked out so hard before, nor enjoyed working out so much before or felt so much better so quickly!  I haven't had a gym membership in 6 years and I remember how much better I felt when I had that membership before and could go, drop the kids off at the childcare center and just burn off steam.  I didn't even care what physical benefits the workout gave me it just made me feel better.  But we bought an elliptical and kept thinking I can use that and do yoga at home but it's not the same.  I need that gym environment to push and motivate me. I can just drive there not motivated and show up, but once in there and started in a class, I can get into that mode and find out I'm capable of more than I thought I was and come out renewed and tired yet energized in a healthy way.  For me, in the spin class I can zone out and reboot my brain.  It's too intense to think about other things and I don't even have to think about what I'm doing, just follow the instructions and push through.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds with Jesus Christ. -Phillipians 4:6-7

BLOOM

Sometimes a winter freeze comes along and it may feel cold, lonely and isolating...but the cold period is needed before the spring bulb can bloom and bring forth a fresh, new season.

"Live with a constant awareness of the ever changing world and your ever shifting self."-Mencius 

Sometimes we go through transitions and we may not know why, relationships, connections, attitudes, purpose, health, passions, jobs, whatever it may be.  You may have been going just fine in one direction and suddenly you don't know what direction you're going but you know it's not the direction you thought you were...things start changing and shifting for whatever reason. it can feel like a cold isolating heaviness when we don't understand what is going on behind the scenes, but if we trust and be patient, God works all things for our good, and suddenly, the ground begins to warm, we push up through the heaviness and we enter into a new season as beautiful spring flowers. The Spring Flowers are there to rise up, give hope and look around as honored guests and see what the master gardener is doing all around them as the rest of spring follows suite.

If you feel lost, in transition, discontent, unsettled or anxious ...start to warm the cold ground around you through trust and gratitude and then look up, push up, rise up and BLOOM!!!

Look up - acknowledge and praise your Lord

Push up - seek and ask with faith, confidence and quiet patience

Rise up - let go of your cares and trust with all your heart and know He is sovereign 

BLOOM- realize you are HIS beloved, that He IS working (no matter the outcome) and you are starting to see and realize it a little more each day as each petal begins to open as his plan unfolds to your view and then rejoice and praise in His work and sing for the beauty of the earth, for the beauty of the skies, from the love which from our birth over and around us lies, Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise as you Whitness from the ground first hand the Lillies of the fields and the birds of the valleys being anxious for nothing.

Be a Pioneer

So a while back I stopped looking at my teacher's manual that goes with the My Father's World curriculum.  It's a great curriculum, but personally I was starting to just feel limited, tired, suffocated and uninspired by following a curriculum.  Honestly I love the manual and looking through the weekly plans and checklist but then in reality it just isn't me.  Having that checklists stresses me out and thus stresses the kids out.  I also felt like some of what we were doing was just creating more fighting and frustration than benefit...I slowly started to skip doing the math some days and instead switch it up with having my daughter practice her math on ixl, xtramath, matific, starfall or math apps on my phone, still doing math everyday and working on the same skills but not stressing about where it was done, book, app, games etc.  We also do Classical Conversations so the kids  cover all subjects each week and do science experiments, art projects and tin whistle so I decided to just let that be that and I was just focus on 1 or 2 main things for each child for now.  For my second grader, it was reading as that has been our biggest struggle and she seemed to struggle with dyslexia or some other learning issue and then math.  For my Pre K son, it was his alphabet and learning to eat better, he is so picky and tends to subsists on strawberries, bananas, whatever homemade baked goods I make and turkey dogs (healthiest ones I can get mind you)...but that's pretty much it.  My 1 year old was really needing to get a better nap schedule figured out and consistent and focus on getting him to eat well too as he has been pretty much refusing most foods offered.  I also was feeling like I was missing my passion, I was missing that spontaneous creativity that the kids and I enjoyed when we started homeschooling our first year and I didn't use a curriculum and just schooled based off of The Thomas Jefferson Education book, Charlotte Mason, Montessori and Everything your Kindergartner Needs to Know.  After I would get through our "school" that day I would either just feel really frustrated, tired, annoyed and wanting space and the kids were tired of me directing everything so much at that point that we wouldn't ever do the things we really wanted to do.  At the end of the day what was a great, rich and wonderful curriculum just wasn't working for us.  My daughter and I weren't enjoying our time together doing it, we were both feeling resentful..especially me because she can be the queen of stalling and avoiding when she doesn't want to do something and I felt like she was taking up all my time and energy and robbing her brothers of my time, attention and energy.  But in reality, it wasn't her fault it was mine.  I was trying to do what I thought was best but it wasn't what was best for us.  I had actually gone against what I had found worked best for us in the beginning out of fear and doubt.
 No, at this rate she would be better of at school because the teachers are paid to be patient and do the grudge work and I'd be home having a break and could just be happy when she came home.  Homeschooling for life or die isn't the ultimate goal here, a healthy relationship with my children and husband is.  But homeschooling is something The Lord put on my heart strongly and I think I started off on the right track but then got sucked into wanting to do the best of everything with Classical Conversations and My Father's World and all that.  It was good last year when we had just moved and I had a newborn to just be able to open and go and not have to think about it or plan...but as we have gotten more settled and comfortable, I didn't realize what was happening but one day I woke up and just had this strong feeling that I was done, that I couldn't do it anymore.  I wasn't sure exactly what that meant but I knew I had to change things up.



I send a text to one of my homeschool mommy friends that morning and said something like "so I think I'm done.  I just found out there is a Christian Montessori School not far from here my kids could go to part time and still be technically homeschooled.  Why am I not doing that?????"  She called me back in response and was such an angel to me in that moment.  She reminded me that we are pioneers of our own lives...we can make out own path, it doesn't have to match up with what anyone else is doing.  We don't need everyone's approval of what we are doing...we just need to pray and figure out what works best for us and our own family.  I mean that's one of the greatest benefits of homeschooling, being able to tailor and design your own life and schedule to what best suits your own families needs, personalities and learning styles.  She reminded me to just think about some main goals and focus the most on those and not stress so much about everything, and if that means skipping things in the manual then so be it...if it's impossible to not stress over what the manual suggests, then PUT IT AWAY and just focus on doing what you family needs to do.  Be a pioneer.
That conversation breathed new life into me and thus into our home.  Since then, I put the manual away, we focused soley on reading as it was such a struggle and then just did the daily math practice.  And then when times were right, I would still bring out some of our curriculum material and read about pioneer children stories from our book American Pioneers and Patriots, which inspired hours of play afterwards...The result of this experiment?  My daughter went from like 0-60 with reading in a short amount of time (about 3 months).  It went from us fighting over having her read 1 sentence and falling on the floor resisting and stalling to her being so obsessed with reading that it's starting to drive my husband crazy...lol.  Yes even good things can drive you crazy! lol.  She now proclaims "Reading is my LIFE!"  The most exciting thing for her is if she can get a new book.  She is currently gotten immersed in the Boxcar Children series and also devoured Heidi and Pollyanna by The Illustrated Classics.  She is turning 8 this month and reads herself to sleep every night.  She is officially a book worm.  She reads a lot during the day now too so I am finding more time to start working more with my 4.5 year old with his pre-reading skills.

Adventures in US History by My Father's World is a great curriculum .  If you really are looking for a curriculum I would definitely recommend it.  I still use the resources that came with it even though we aren't really "doing" it.  But by putting the manual away I've found other things that help with the same topics that give my daughter more independence in her learning as well.  For example, I found a great app that teaches all about the 50 states, it includes spelling, facts and quizzes.  I also found a fun game called Frontier Heros in the App store.  It has different games for different eras....there are native american games where they have to harvest and grind corn for corn cakes, shoot an target with an arrow etc to revolutionary war games of Paul Revere riding and your have to ring as many bells and jump over obstacles, to pioneer/cowboy games like the Pony Express, The Railway etc. They are all fun engaging games that teach about those teach era and activity.  So using some technology to add some independent learning and enrichment on along with the independent reading, it has really freed me up just in time for the toddler tantrum phase and also now we are able to do a lot more of what we enjoy.  A lot more child led learning where we persue their interests in more depth, have more time for creativity and honestly, sometimes all it takes is reading them a story based on children in a certain time period and then they create outfits and go into that world playing for the rest of the day.



Here was a day we read about a pioneer family.  As I read the story I changed the names of the characters to my kids names.  They made me read it again and the second time acted it out.  They put a blanket over the Rody horse toy and made it look a like a sheep and pretended to sheer it, they went outside pretending the cats were wildcats and just actually were pioneer children in their minds.  The freedom from a rigid agenda allows us to roll with it and after that one historical story the rest of the day was played out and all the information about that time period included in the story was forever imprinted on their little brains because they brought it to life.  The same thing when we read about Vikings, rather than just some word they heard but don't remember, we created props and a set and they played it out for 2 days.  So all this to say was that whatever it is in our lives, how we homeschool, how we live, how we raise or kids, whether you homeschool or not, now matter what it is, be a pioneer.  Spend less time trying to figure out what's working for everyone else and trying to copy and live up to everyone else's expectations and norm, and trust the Lord and yourself and your family in being pioneers in your own life.

I thought of this mental image while driving one day and want to make up prints for the schoolroom/playroom.

 Know when to...

Go with the Flow

Fight the Current

Sail to the Unknown

I learned that for me, who never liked school growing up and thought it was jail for kids...I don't do best trying to replicate "school" at the house and "playing" teacher.  I realized that when my kids were younger and they learned to crawl, walk, baby signs, talk, colors, numbers etc, I didn't have structured time where I became "teacher" and forced the skill to be learned during those designated times.  It happened naturally and organically.  I delight in helping my kids grow, learn and develop and I've also learned to trust them.  My daughter didn't walk until she was about 17 months old, according to charts that's getting to be developmentally delayed.  But as a 7 year old she is doing amazing in competitive gymnastics.  If I believe that we are created in God's image, I relate that to having intelligence, then I should trust that God has given them a mind that wants to learn and engage with the world around them.  My job is to fan the flames and mentor them along, not input and program information into them.  The intelligence is already there, I need to just not get in the way by trying to control it.  BUT I know everyone is different, some kids loved school, worksheets and listening to the teacher, and if their kids are like them, then they probably enjoy having a structured "school" setting at home with mom being "teacher" and that's cool too, because as I said, rather than look around at what everyone else is doing, do what works for you and create whatever environment you and your family thrives in best.  Just be a pioneer and discover your own environment that works best, if you are struggling to figure out what is best for your family, then just ask.  The Lord will lead you in the right direction, it's just a matter of trusting Him and letting Him lead you even if it's unknown territory for you and you don't know how to explain it to others.  If you are going in the right direction, you will be content and suddenly not care about about trying to explain to others how you live your life and if they approve or not.  You can just love them where they are at and be blessed that you are happy where you are at.  For me, not switching from teacher to mom all the time but JUST BEING MOM, and mentoring and teaching them as MOM in a natural, organic way has for us, led to actually more productive days than when I was stressing over getting everything on an imposed checklist done.  I came across an article the other day that referred to it as "The tyranny of curriculum"  and I think it was the same article but can't remember, that also compared how if we let curriculum or any other self imposed agenda rule our lives, it can be like an idol in our lives.



The Lord has been so gracious to have already given us everything we could ever need.  An intelligent mind, a body, a soul a beautiful earth to live on and discover, family and friends and most importantly, salvation through his grace and forgiveness.  He only gave us 2 commandments during His life here on earth, to Love God with all our hearts, and to love one another.  If we are all wrapped up in keeping up with a curriculum that it causes us stress, anxiety and worry AND causes us to get angry and frustrated with our kids on a regular basis and we are so busy with that we don't have time to think about others, especially our husbands....well...where does that honor God?  I'm not knocking people who use curriculum and saying they aren't honoring God because many people can do it beautifully if it fits their personality and their kids personality styles but for those of us it doesn't...there is no reason to force ourselves to do something that isn't working for us.  If the call to homeschool is clear to you, yet it isn't making sense because you thought it would be better than what it is...well...just remember, you are free to be a pioneer.  And if you are doing things that aren't working for your family, but are doing them to meet expectations of a spouse or other family member, then just pray for them.  If The Lord can put something on your heart, He can put it on their heart too.  I've prayed many times "Lord, I want to be one with my husband and let him lead so please don't put something on my heart and not work it out in his heart too so I don't have to fight him on it" and The Lord has amazed me with that time after time, sometimes it takes a couple of months but He does answer that prayer.  When The Lord does work something out in my husbands heart that He had previously put in mine and my husband ends up bringing it up, I KNOW that is the best confirmation I can get that I am following the Lord's guidance and not just imagining it! lol!

Here is a song I LOVE by Beckah Shae that can inspire you as you seek the Lord's guidance for the direction of your own life







So in sum, for us as far as homeschool...what it's come down to is a mashup of Charlotte Mason, Thomas Jefferson, relaxed eclectic, interest-led/holy spirit led, unschoolish....if that makes sense...but not school at home.  My heart just wasn't in that method, at all.  So now I just have to decide if we will do Classical Conversations next year, I'm definitely not a Classical Education Homeschool but CC is fun and we enjoy it and they cover a lot there but we shall see.  I love Classical Conversations but the more I learn about our style it may not be for us as we decided where to spend our time and resources.  I think of Abraham Lincoln, he went to school for 1 year and hated it.  HIs step mother loved him very much and let him stay home after that and fostered his love of reading books.  He was allowed to read to his hearts content and became a self learner for life.  That is my desire for my kids.  I don't need to create a "school" at our house, but foster and mentor them in their God given intelligence, direct and inspire them into becoming self learners and be free to seize the moment by not having our schedule too bogged down and rigid.

After writing this I decided to post a couple videos along..but there are many videos out there but I likes these.

If you are unfamiliar with Charlotte Mason there is a lot of info about it out there but here is a great video about it


Intro to Thomas Jefferson Education


Homeschooling Class DIsmissed


Delight Centered Learning


Astra Taylor on the Unschooled Life

He Doesn't need me...

I just Wanted to share something that recently happened in my life.  I have this best friend of 10+ years who had been going through A LOT and I live cross country from her.  Between my dad's health declining with ALS and my best friends life going really rough, it pains me to be so far away and unable to physical be there for them.  Of course I pray for them daily but I can't DO much this far away.  Well the last 3 weeks I was back visiting my parents and helping my mom get their new house decorated and more homey for them since they had to move 6 months ago to a place that my dad could get around in his motor chair.  While there  spending time visiting my parents I had 2 opportunities to make it over to the city where my friend lives, and it was perfect timing too because her baby was having heart surgery so I could actually be there to serve her in person and be the friend I wanted to be and show Her God's love.  

She doesn't have any type of community that would get her signed up on meals and stuff like that you may get from a play group, MOPS or church community so I wanted to stock her kitchen with lots of easy meals and whatever else I could while there.  I was very concerned about her being cared for in that way and had even considered calling a MOPs group or something near her and asking them to bless her with meals...it was a big concern for me.  I've prayed many times to The Lord to pour out His love on her over the last year so she would KNOW His love...so now I was going to show it to her by being the best friend I could.  But come the day I was to go over, my son got the flu and I couldn't leave.  My path was blocked and as I was dissapointed, I really felt that for whatever reason it was meant to be that way, so I just looked forward to my next opportunity to see her before we flew back home.  

That last day my path was continually blocked again, we had a rental car situation that my husband has NEVER had before and he rents cars all the time for work so that put a huge dent in our day getting over there.  Once we made the drive over, thing after thing caused delays and at the end if the day I was not only unable to go to the store and bring her any groceries but I ended up showing up completely empty handed...not a card or anything for her or the baby who was just released from the nicu.  All I had to offer was me and some hugs.  I was like what the heck this is sooooo opposit my plan.  But....

While I was there she shared something with me, earlier that week as my path was being blocked to come see her the first time, she had credit card fraud which, for some reason, when she purchased vitamins and a small high chair seat on amazon the vitamins went through but not the high chair even though it was the same order.  So she decided to go on her local city neighborhood Facebook swap & trade page and ask if anyone had a high chair and this woman had one that she gave her for free.  When she saw the lady's profile picture it was the symbol for the same health issue her baby was having surgery for.  When she picked up the high chair she had this weird feeling like she knew her already.  That woman then asked my friend if she could post about her situation on the Facebook page they met on anonymously and my friend was surprised but said ok.  In no time she had meals lined up for the next 3 months, people wanting to help clean house each week, people bringing loads of groceries and dinner gift cards, the outpouring of love and support...from strangers...was totally amazing.

As I left her place that night, I was driving across a long bridge that leaves the city and I felt The Lord tell me "I don't need you.  I have angels everywhere". I couldn't help but laugh!  Like I was a little offended like I've invested so much in this friendship and prayed so much for her and I wasn't able to "do" anything for her but The Lord ANSWERED those prayers and did more than I or any of the other handful of people available could have on our own.  I was just supposed to be her friend and pray for her in this situation and it taught me to trust The Lord even more because He does got it...He has angels everywhere.  It's good that we are willing to be used but He doesn't always need us to do the job that He can do better through someone else.  It was also humbling because no matter how good our intentions, we aren't going to single handedly BE God to others even if we don't realize that's what we are trying to be.  We don't need to be anxious and worry that if we can't be the ones physically being there with someone than God's going to miss them.  That he can't reach them without our involvement.

He loves His children.  He has angels everywhere and our prayers for others do more good than what we, on our own strength, can attempt to do for them.   So, while I was bummed at first He didn't want to use me in this situation to fill a need I knew was there, I am relieved to know His love and His ways far outdo whatever we can think of and so the best thing we can ever do is pray, trust The Lord with it, and move and act when God leads and inspires you to and gives you the grace to do so.  In this situation it was so obvious He was not giving me the grace to do what I thought I needed to and wanted to do, and I am so glad knowing what he was orchestrating behind the scenes meanwhile as he blocked me for now, more LOVE from more people is flowing out into the world, love from neighbors who are strangers but what a good loving father He is to pour His love on my friend with the love of people in her community and giving all those people the opportunity to love their neighbor.  

So, if The Lord tells you He doesn't need you, don't be offended...let others and continue to pray and be ready for when He does.  His ways are above our ways.  

This situation as well as my parents situation living with ALS, is a good reminder of Newton's Third Law: For every action there is an equal and opposit reaction.  In both situations of difficulty, the reaction is love and tender mercies poured out and shared by many people in their communities.  It kills me not being close to my parents as they live with ALS, but they too have received an outpouring of love, help and service from members of their community and church.  It still hurts not living closer to them but I now more fully understand....There are angels everywhere.  We can't be everywhere we may wish to be and serve those we may wish to serve but we can pray for them and be ready to serve those we are granted to grace to serve and love.  

Homeschool Begins Again

We officially started another homeschool year on Monday.  We spent the last 2.5 weeks in Washington State with family and it was kinda nice since after being gone that long we have to get readjusted to our own routine again to just start it off with our homeschool routine.  This year we are using My Father's World (MFW) Adventure in US History and will also be doing Classical Conversations (CC) again.  It's cool because the cycle of CC we are on is also US history so they will actually compliment each other.  Last year there was pretty much no correlation between MFW and CC.  I've also been in a wind down phase since the end of the school year...last spring I felt like we really got so ramped up with activities, field trips, and all kinds of commitments and while it was all fun and good stuff...it was exhausting and really not who I am to be so busy and on the go everyday that we're rushing through our learning to get on to the other places we need to be....that's just not how I envisioned our homeschool.  Part of the benefit of homeschooling is NOT getting sucked into the crazy busy lifestyle and collapsing at the end of the day.  Being so busy I just started feeling disconnected and honestly it's not fair to my 2nd child who doesn't like being out all the time.  So we reevaluated, said no to some of the things we enjoyed last year and said yes to other things that are more simple, easy and convenient...like more gymnastics for J, it's close to home vs other activities I was driving all over the place for and required more time and energy overall.

When I started this homeschool journey, I began by read The Thomas Jefferson Education which really inspired me, and then getting into Charlotte Mason, Montesorri, Waldorf and some Unschool literature and facebook pages like The Libertarian Homeschooler and Our Muddy Boots.  That's all the stuff that resonated with me.  For Kindergarten we didn't use curriculum and just had some guidelines about what kindergartners need to know and then was creative and pulled things together and had a lot of fun.  I loved it, it totally gave me freedom to cover the things we needed to cover and then some using my own interests and creativity as well as inspired by my daughter's interests.  And since I didn't have a checklist/curriculum I felt like life was just really inspiring and organic and exciting.  But I also would sometimes stress over gauging how I was doing as a teacher...not having a guideline is really freeing and fun and sometimes we covered way more than we would have sticking with a curriculum, other days were lighter, and it was definitely more work overall coming up with everything myself to make learning so fun that when my hubby would ask her "what did you and mommy do for school today?" she would say "We didn't do any school today!" and I would be so proud because those days I had met my goal, I taught her everything I had intended through various activities and moments but it felt so natural and fun to her she didn't even know I was "schooling" her so I would reassure my hubby that yes.....YES I was teaching her...with much effort at that to make her think she hadn't done any "school", but sometimes I would be up late crafting how those wonderful days would go and then still, sometimes struggled with not having anything to "show"...I know...like worksheets in a folder mean so much right?

For first grade, last year, we had moved to a new area and having a new baby and preschooler, hubby was worried how I would be able to keep her up to speed.  So, as a way to make connections in our community with being new and as a safety net for her to be learning SOMETHING in case i was so sleep deprived I couldn't cover everything at home we needed to we signed up for Classical Conversations.  I really liked the whole idea of it even though I'm DEFINITELY not very Classical Education in my style.  I also decided to do My Father's World as it was an open and go out of the box curriculum that had a Charlotte Mason influence.  I did keep thinking though if it was weird to do MFW and CC at the same time, but figured it wasn't going to hurt anyone and they were both good programs.

I LOVED how easy MFW it was to implement.  It was so easy to implement that we started back up a week after baby came along even though I had thought I would take more time.  We had a super smooth year and the phonics workbook and bible reader were great, we really enjoyed that.  The math was fine as well.  I was a little dissapointed on the art side but at the same time I was an art major and used to teach art so that wasn't a big deal we just did our own thing.  Overall we were very happy with it and that's why we are continuing with it for this year.

Classical Conversations was great too.  I love that, at the Foundations levels at least, you can use it as much or as little as you want in your homeschool.  Some people base their curriculum around it, others like us used it as enrichment and sometimes tied it in or expanded on certain things at home but for the most part, just let the kids listen to the songs while they played or did art and that was about it as far as time I put into it outside of class.  Things I liked were my daughter getting to have a group of little friends she saw each week, doing weekly presentations, bringing lunch and eating on the playground with her friends after class, and the fact they covered science experiments, orchestra and art as well so even if we were light some weeks at home on those things, she got it there.

But, the year went by so fast, too fast, especially the 2nd half and it kinda makes me sad when I think about how fast it went by...because in less than a month my baby will turn 1 and it's just reminded me that we need to slow down, not say yes to everything even if we want to or feel bad about not participating in something.  I always wanted to be a mom ever since I was a little girl, I don't want to rush through this time so fast that my precious time of having little kids and a baby are just a blurry memory of stressing to hurry up and get to the next thing.  So, I'm not going all unschool, but I'm taking my My Father's World curriculum and doing it with my own waldorf/Charlotte Mason/Unschooly twist and try my best not to rush through our days, to relax, to let the kids relax.  To remember that when our days are commited to other activities, we aren't home to discover our chicken laying her first egg and the excitement and anticipation of waiting for her to do that and playing in the forest making art with pieces of nature while we wait, we aren't home to notice 2 small adorable baby deer and their mother playing in our yard, We aren't experimenting with J walking around the house with the baby in my baby wrap, or for the kids to remember that their first and forever best friends are eachother while playing Fireman Sam or making Rainbow Loom Bracelets, or just laying in the hammock all together in the shade after lunch on the deck doing finger plays about the 5 little ducks, or helping J type out stories she's inventing etc.  So I'm still happy at this point with our curriculum, we got the basic package so we could just do our own art which I got them each 2 spiral drawing books one will be for art lessons the other is a Nature Journal/Art book. The other fun thing that I'm doing that is more Waldorf inspired is daily chalkboard art.  We have one of those double sided easles so I create a fun chalkboard drawing that relates to that day and turn it around so when they come into the playroom they see the whiteboard and then when I'm ready to show them I turn it around for the big reveal.  So far that's really the only prep I've had to do and for me that is pretty fun.  But anyways, lately I just keep hearing a comment someone sweetly made to me on a field trip last spring as I was telling her about how our packed schedule, "You can't homeschool if you're never home."  It's so true, homeschool shouldn't be just checking off the requirements for that day and then heading out the door ASAP to do other stuff, even if it is good stuff.  But being home enough you can slow down and "smell the roses" where kids can get bored and be forced to use their imagination and cooperate, and not have everyone fee pressured to get certain things done because then later we have to be somewhere and then there's constantly more stuff so if they get behind mom stresses out because when will they have time to finish their work?  I don't want to do that...I think we'll still end up being somewhat busy this year anyways, but I'm definitely going in with a lot more intention on how and where we spend our time, and bowing out gracefully when we need to just be home and happy and have more time for hobbies and quiet time and remember the curriculum is there to help us and make things easier, not stress us out over checking every little thing off on the SUGGESTED weekly schedule, and adapting things to our learning style as needed.

SO anyhoo, I was intending on just posting some pictures of our first 2 days of school but somehow this turned into a huge post!

 Muffin Monday! No rush to be anywhere so let him do as much as he wanted, it's slower and messier but those muffins are now extra special ;)

 First day of school with our Waldorf chalkboard art...hoping to get more creative with it as the year goes on! Kids are excited about this.

Each wanted to say a prayer after pledge of allegiance.  His prayers always crack me up!

Building his name with the laminated straight and curved lines taken from Writing Without Tears.

taking baby brother for a walk...no hands!

After giving up digging for treasure/dinosaur bones they created a babbling brook.

I didn't take pictures of the actual book work stuff...but so far J likes the new material!

Don't Find Yourself, Create Yourself

One of my favorite quotes is "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself"
I saw this picture on facebook and just had to share it!

Birthday Girl! 3 already!

I can't believe my little sweatpea is 3 years old already! Boy has the time flown by!

I was really feeling like I could go into labor any minute since Friday night...before her party! During her party I was having contractions and kept thinking "what if my water breaks here at the park!" but didn't happen. Today I was really hoping I wouldn't go into labor...I mean, their birthdays will be close together, but who wants to have your younger siblings birthday on the EXACT same day as yours? Well, only 40 minutes left of the day and I think we're in the clear!

Don't forget to link up your mommy moments, the party is open till wednesday!

She LOVED her new Green Toys Tea Pot Set and played with it for over an hour tonight. She also loved the Strawberry shortcake with reversible frosting and strawberries I made for her, with a wooden cake stand (I'll post the pics of these later this week). She played with that up until we realized it was already 9 PM and had to pry her away and get her to bed! The evening went by so fast!

She had such a wonderful birthday this year combined with her party with her adorable little friends over the weekend and tonight she visited with Grandparents on Skype while opening presents and...got to eat more blue cupcakes! (I was really excited to make a cool cake or cute cupcakes...but ran out of energy and just got some from the Walmart bakery...sometimes you just gotta do what's easy!)

PS- Sorry if my posts become increasingly disjointed, random, or don't seem to flow right...the closer I get to having this baby, the less ability I have to focus on anything! If I didn't already have some ADD, I definitely have it now! lol
see MoMmY BRaIn

Mommy Brain

I know some women hate the term "mommy brain" or "pregnancy brain" but it does exist whether they want to admit it or not...some kind of malfunction that seems to happen to your brain when you get pregnant and doesn't really get much better once you become a mom. The severity of it can change depending on how much sleep you are getting, but so far...in 3 years (for me), it has never gone away completely. Someone who used to feel pretty sharp can suddenly feel like their brain is mashed potatoes and can't organize a single thought! Like a never ending "brain fart".

Usually it's men who are the forgetful ones when it comes to special dates and anniversary...well this year I'm 0-2! January was our 3 year wedding anniversary and it never even occurred to me until my Mother in Law called and was asking us about it...and the funny thing is...when she asked us about our anniversary plans...I had no clue what she was talking about! I thought SHE was confused because I couldn't think of what anniversary she was referring to. Anyways, so we blew that one. We made each other feel better by saying...well...it's just because we dated for so long, we're still just used to celebrating that anniversary! So we figured we'd make up for it come our "dating" anniversary in March....this year is 9 years together (after "Spanish night" we teamed up for one of our high school spanish assignments and have pretty much been together since). Well, yesterday my husband informed me that I had forgotten something. He informed me that our 9 year anniversary was like a week ago and it never occurred to us....again! Well, I can't get mad at him for forgetting....guys do that all the time...usually we are there to remind them....but at least he was the one to realize it! I was totally oblivious.....again!

Now I'm remembering how absent minded I was after I had my first daughter...on more than one occasion, I would be leaving the apartment....I would make sure I had everything I needed....baby-check, purse-check, diaperbag-check, dry cleaning-check-...and whatever else...check check check. Then as I walked down the stairs of our apartment heading for the parking lot, I would realize something was missing...hmm....what could it be? OH RIGHT....I'm barefoot and need to go back and put on some shoes.

I had my daughter within a year of graduating college, and when things like this would happen, I would just be so baffled...What happened to my brain????!?? I know it used to work not that long ago....pretty well! Now, it's not super uncommon for me to have a conversation with my hubby that goes something like this:

"Hey babe?!"
he responds "yea? what is it?"
"um, I have no idea..."
"ooooookay then..."

Anyways, so this is just a rant on mommy brain...it's been getting to me a lot lately...and I'm sure once this baby is born and sleep deprivation really kicks in...it'll only get worse! I'm SCARED! lol. I blame it on mommy brain but I also attribute some of that stupidness on Hashimoto's! I almost cried when I went to an endocrinologist this past year and he said to me "I bet you have a hard time holding onto a thought, you probably sometimes feel like your brain is a pentium 4 running on a pentium 3 processor...you have stuff in there, it's just hard to process it fast enough sometimes...it's as if something is always on the tip of your tongue but you can't spit it out"...um YES! HOW DID YOU KNOW DOCTOR! That's one of many parts of hypothyroidism...

So what are your "mommy brain" stories? I'd love to hear them in the comments or post on your blog and leave your link here so we can all laugh at ourselves together!

Better yet, I just had an idea! (really!) Let's do the first ever McLinky Party on my blog! Just write a post about your "Mommy Moments". Link up here! Tell your friends! The party will be Monday, March 29...come back with your Monday Mommy Moments posts! Mark your calendars and be sure to come back to link up! and be ready to laugh together as we can all sympathize! It can be a new or old post!

My Mommy Moments
McLinky Party
by Candace Creations
Monday, March 29

Don't Miss it!

Putting Ourselves Out There...

I just watched the video above from Wanna be Balanced Mom (super cute video by the way). I loved her post that included this video, it spoke to me very personally. I know exactly what it's like....way too well, to not do things or pursue things we want to do because of fear of what others will think. Singing is a major one of those things for me! I used to write songs all the time, and still work on them when I manage to sit my butt down at the piano...but I've always been WAY too afraid to ever share them with anybody. I get so embarrassed, worrying what other people will think, that I can't even bring myself to share the things I've done or created (minus my simple crafts on this blog! lol! That's easier, it's not IN PERSON! lol). Anyways, my own husband has only heard one song of mine, I did get the courage to sing a song I wrote for him back when we were dating and about to go off to different colleges. I made him sit where I couldn't see him, so I felt like no one was there...and I still was shaking so bad...and that was a one time deal. lol.

I was really inspired by Crystal's courage here. It really hit home and I hope I can be more brave like her and not let my fear of what others may think hold me back from fulling doing the things I enjoy, or from trying new things and just do a better job of putting myself out there. I mean, this may sound rediculous, but I've been too nervous to host a playdate at my home for my playgroup because I'm always worried what people will think about our apartment since most other families live in a house. Crystal's message just helped me realize how much I do this without realizing what I'm really doing, how I'm limiting myself, and helped me realize I need to KNOCK IT OFF! :)

Being a mom has made me more aware of this issue as well. I don't want my daughter to limit herself from doing what she loves and sharing it with others, or fulfilling a dream because she is worried about what others may think, from fear of failure or rejection. I want her to live life and give it her best shot! If I'm not willing to put myself out there, how will she learn to do it? I can encourage her as much as I want, but I do believe we teach more by example than anything else.

Thanks Crystal, for being an example for me!!!

Just a little something to think about....